Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Chuck Norris Christmas Jokes

1. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.




2. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

5. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.




7. Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".



8. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

9. Chuck Norris was once on "Celebrity Wheel of Fortune" and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

10. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

11. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

12. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

14. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

15. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

16.  Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


17. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

20. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

21. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

22. If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.


23. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies: "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says:"I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with: "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

24. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

25. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

26. Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

27. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

28. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


29. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his ***.

30. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

31. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

32. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.

33. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

34. Chuck Norris once went on "Celebrity Jeopardy" and answered: "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.


35. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

36. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having *** with his waitress.

37. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

38. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

39. Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.


40. Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains. If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

41. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

42. If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

43. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

44. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

45. Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

46. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

47. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

48. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

49. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

50. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he p***es.


51. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied: "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.




52. The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

53. Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the f**k off.

54. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

55. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

56. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the s**t out of them.

57. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

58. Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

59. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

60. Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

61. Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

62. Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

63. When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently s**ts a cow.


64. One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

65. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

66. Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

67. Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads: "WWCND?"

68. In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

69. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

70. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take s**t from anyone.

71. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

72. Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.


73. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the s**t out of little kids.

74. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.


75. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.




76. The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

77. Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

78. Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

79. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

80. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

81. Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

82. Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.


83. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

84. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

85. Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

86. People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

87. If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

88. Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

89. Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

90. Chuck Norris doesn't use a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

91. Chuck Norris lived on mars thats why there is no life there.


92. Vampires and Chuck Norris have a symbiotic relationship.


93. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 

94. Blitzkreig actually translates to "Second Coming of Chuck Norris" in German. 

95. Meat now comes in four grades, Select, Choice, Prime, and Chuck Norris. 

96. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. 

97. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. 

98. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile. 

99. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. 

100. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. 

101. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. 


102. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed: "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 

103. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men. 

104. The Original Name For the game "Street Fighter" was "Spawn of Chuck Norris".

105. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

106. Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out. 

107. Chuck Norris turned the " Church of Scientology" to "Chuck Norris' House of Pain".

108. There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris. 

109. A waitress at a Outback accidentally gave Chuck Norris a rare steak instead of a well-done steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!"

110. The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR programs itself for fear of retaliation. 

111. America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk. 

112. Chuck Norris' alarm clock plays Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" every morning at 7 am. Its not because he likes the song. It infuriates him, because Chuck Norris does indeed know that they started that fire, and they will pay. 

113. Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist. 

114. Ford Trucks have a new Chuck Norris warning sensor, apparently he think's their motto (Are You Ford Tough?) is a challenge. 

115. Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 

116. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. 

117. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan. 

118. Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more. 

119. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 

120. Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching. 

 121. If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action. 

122.  If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals. 

123. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 

124. Chuck Noris caught all 150 pokemon in 2.7 seconds.

125. Chuck Norris doesn't need a weapon. He is one.

126. Santa Claus was real until he forgot Chuck Norris present.

127. When Chuck Norris gets bitten by a Zombie, he doesn't turn into a Zombie. The Zombie turns into Chuck Norris.

What do you think of Chuck Norris jokes?

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