Sunday, August 11, 2013

Demi Lovato Quotes

1. I never found out until I went into treatment that I was bipolar.


2. Confidence starts with beauty. Beauty begins from comfort within.

3. Sometimes we're gonna have our bad days, but we must continue to work to be great…Keep smiling. It looks beautiful on you!


4. Now I'm just trying to help others, I speak to tons of teens at concerts, I need time I get to meet them.


5. I try to keep it real. I don't have time to worry about what I'm projecting to the world. I'm just busy being myself.



6. I like my booty and my thighs. I have curves. Get over it.

7. When you start to beat yourself up, remind yourself of how worthy you are of love.


8. I dance in the shower…You won't see that.




9. It's a big responsibility dating me. Because I come with a little bit of baggage, you know?

10. Find someone who finds you beautiful with no makeup while wearing sweatpants...You'll never feel more loved.


11. I don't make many mistakes but somehow I'm always in trouble. I'd love to be who you want me to be, but that's not me.



12. Music and acting are amazing. My passions. But my biggest dream in life is to become a wife and a mother…THAT'S what life is about…


13. The fact that you have the ability to stand on stage and sing while you're crying is so brave.

14. My name is Demi but you can call me Lil Wayne for short.

15. There's not one type of beautiful.


16. My personal style is kind of sophisticated edgy, I guess. I wear a lot of black and it's what I feel comfortable in.



17. I want my music to do the explaining.



18. Trust no one.

19. In order to recover from any addiction, you have to surrender and recognize what you need to overcome.


20. No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things.

21. Words can hurt. They hurt me. Things were said to me that I still haven't forgotten.


22. I think sober is sexy, it's cool. I think it's way cooler to be above the influence than under the influence.


23. Let your smile change the world but don't let the world change your smile.

24. I want to be fearless.


25. A picture of my little sister, on my little bulletin board, was one of the main things that kept me going.



26. Ladies, never sit on a boy's lap when you've earned your own seat.

27. I was performing concerts on an empty stomach. I was losing my voice from purging. I was self-medicating.


28. I've come to realize your career is all about the choices you make. Every single one matters.



29. I am afraid of elevators.

30. If the world runs out of chocolate today…It was not my fault.


31. Lashing out was my cry for help. Wow, who was I to do that? I'm very ashamed. I wasn't in the right state of mind at all.

32. Love is louder then the pressure to be perfect.

33. Selena and I aren't as close as we used to be, but she'll always have a place in my heart.


34. Sometimes I think: "Why couldn't I have been normal?"


35. Stick together with the people you know you can trust. There may not be many, but they are all you need.

36. One of the hardest parts about recovery, is accepting loneliness.

37. I don't have many deal breakers. I've done so much in my life, it doesn't feel right to judge other people.


38. Being famous is cool and it's so random and sometimes it's just pretty awkward when people run up to me.



39. I am unbroken. I've been through a lot but I'm still here today and I'm not broken.


40. I don't think there's going to be a day when I don't think about food or my body, but I'm living with it, and I wish I could tell young girls to find their safe place and stay with it.

41. I don't really have a celebrity crush anymore…I used to have one and now it's really embarrassing 'cause now I know him.


42. The mirror can lie, it doesn't show you what's inside.





43. I have come to realize making yourself happy is most important. Never be ashamed of how you feel. You have the right feel any emotion you want, and do what makes you happy. That's my life motto.


44. My favorite food is Italian. anything with cheese actually. I love cheese!


45. I don't care what my haters say, cause they're still talking about me.

46. I pray every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up.



47. Everyone knows that I love John Mayer.




48. To be someone's inspiration is the biggest goal in my life.

49. Music is my band aid. It heals everything for me.


50. I am a normal teen. I'm just a little busier.

51. I believe in aliens. I think it would be way too selfish of us as mankind to believe we are the only lifeforms in the universe.

52. I feel like I just died, and came back to life as poop.


53. Just because you're on Disney and you're always smiling, they think you're perfect and it's obvious that nobody's life really is.



54. I was just so sick. I thought that orange juice was going to make me fat.


55. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or fixed, but I am learning to love and accept myself. My outlook is more positive and I am happy.

56. Smart listens to the head. Stupid listens to the heart. BE STUPID!

57. Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off.


58. I was depressed. I would come off stage in front of 18,000 people and suddenly be alone in a hotel room.


59. The only thing I could see myself doing is music.

60. I'm honest about the journey I've been on, so I definitely don't take dating lightly anymore.


61. I'm very passionate about my dreams, my goals and my hobbies.



62. My biggest reason to live is my fans.


63. What I like to do for fun…I like going to see movies with my friends…I'm also addicted to Pinkberry.


64. My love for you is like a McDonald's french fry…It lasts forever!

65. I am totally a text addict!


66. Everyone has the bully or the mean girl or the ex-boyfriend who tried to bring them down.



67. I feel like I'm held more accountable to stay healthy now because now I'm a role model to young girls to not have eating issues and to not say: "Hey, it's OK to starve yourself" or "It's OK to throw up after your meals" - that's not OK.


68. I love my fans more than Christmas AND new years!




69. Achievement comes to those who are willing to walk as far as it takes till you get to what few have.

70. He's not your prince charming if he doesn't make sure you know that you're his princess.


71. In treatment, all of the negative things I did were stripped away and I had to start processing my feelings.




72. Having feelings for someone isn't worth it, unless they make you feel special…irreplaceable…beautiful...Like you're the only one.


73. If I decided I'm the girl to change the world, I can do it anytime.






74. After hundreds of auditions and nothing, you're sitting home and wondering: "What am I doing?"

75. I need somebody who's going to be there for me, and who's not going to be afraid of my recovery process.


76. Not being afraid of what others think is attractive…Being judgmental is NOT!


77. Without music it would be really, really hard to survive.

78. People don't realize how badly verbal harassment and cyber bullying affects you, what they said to me sticks to me to this day.

79. Creativity is what helps me escape a lot of my inner demons.


80. Being a celebrity can be dangerous. Nobody says "no."



81. I don't think I was ever…trying to kill myself but I knew that if I'd ever gone too far…I wouldn't care.

82. I didn't come here to tell you my sob story, I came here to tell you it gets easier.


83. I don't see myself doing television, but I do see myself directing.

84. It really surprises me the hateful things people say on the internet…After all the awareness of cyber bullying…I mean wow. So sad.

85. I learned that you go through things, you deal with them and that's what empowers you and ultimately makes you a happy person.


86. I knew from the second I stepped onstage. I was like, yep, this is what I want to do.





87. Technically, if a girl wants to sparkle she can put on glitter but I think the correct answer would be a smile because no one pays attention to your short when you have a nice smile on your face.


88. I became very depressed, and my only way of coping with it was through my eating disorder, so I just stopped eating.


89. The connection with my fans is so incredible, I can't even explain it.



90. My tattoos are reminders to hang in there when things get tough.

91. I know that I have a voice and can use it for good or bad. It's a gift from God.


92. I know first hand what it's like to be called names and to be affected by things. They would call me fat, they would call me promiscuous in different words. At the time, when I was 12-years-old, that was like the end of the world. To me, bullying is one of my biggest platforms. Let's change the world.

93. You just gotta believe in yourself and take chances.


94. I'm kind of digging Trey Songz…he's pretty hot. We followed each other on Twitter and direct message each other. He's pretty awesome.



95. Rocker dudes don't have a lot of swagger.

96. When there's smoke there's fire...And I'm not gonna stick around just to be burned.


97. Music is really therapeutic and I definitely don't hold anything back. Music is an opportunity for me to let things out emotionally.

98. Praying for all the people in the world who feel it's okay to bully people over the internet because if you are one of those people, then you must have had something really terrible happen to your childhood or you're really sick in the head. Must suck to be born without a heart.


99. Everything in the universe serves a purpose.

100. I wish planes would tell you if they're going to have internet, food, or an outlet to charge your phone BEFORE the flight!


101. I still had a normal childhood with my friends from school.

102. These things called "blind items" are made up stories by people who won't name names because they don't want to be sued...


103. I'm worthy enough, beautiful enough, and I don't need anything else to feel whole.

104. I'm really excited about these songs. I feel like I've really grown as a songwriter with my last few songs, and I'm anxious to see what the fans think of them.


105. Where I am today…I still have my ups and downs, but I take it one day at a time and I just hope that I can be the best that I can possibly be, not only for myself, but also young people that are out there today that need someone to look up to.

106. (about Camp Rock) I never wanted a part more than this in my life.


107. I never thought that I'd be a role model. Everyone kind of just made me a role model, and I hated that.

108. You see, this heart, won't settle down; just like a child, running, scared, from a clown.


109. Don't let a boy break your heart. Break theirs first. I'm just kidding! Totally kidding! Kind of.

110. It was a confidence booster. My character and I both like to rock out and now we're not afraid to!

111. One of the most scariest thing in life, is when you come to the realization that the only thing that can save you, is…yourself.


112. No, I just see myself as Demi Miley is amazing and has built a hugely successful career, so I respect that. It's just that, again, we're two totally different artists and there's room for everyone to be themselves in this business. I'm just trying to be Demi right now!

113. Don't judge me. You know my name, NOT my story.

114. I hope to do a collaboration with Kelly Clarkson. (She) has been my idol growing.

115. I think I've definitely had my rock bottom and I think that was probably right before I went into treatment where I said: "I definitely need help."


116. Insecurity kills all that is beautiful.





117. We need to make mistakes in order to avoid them in the future.

118. After so long being thin, it was terrifying being heavier. But I am a naturally curvy Hispanic girl. I don't deprive myself.


119. My biggest shopping weakness is anything and everything.

120. If I'm able to use my voice to do good in the world then I definitely want to do that.

121. Tall, thin, curvy, short, whatever you are, you are beautiful.


122. The sky is the limit…for some people aim higher nothing is impossible.

123. You can overcome and get through anything.

124. I was compulsively overeating when I was eight years old.

125. Never ever EVER stand between a woman and her chocolate.

126. I think that women who know who they are are beautiful.


127. Music is what I love to do; it's in my veins.

128. I think scars are like battle wounds - beautiful, in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it.


129. If it takes me 10 years to be the musician I want to be, great.





130. If positivity is what you put out in the universe, positivity is what you'll get...

131. I love life on the road. I'm in a different city every night and it never gets old.


132. On TV, you have wardrobe fittings, you have four cameras on you at all times, and you're worried about your angles and your lighting and your shots.


133. My sisters and my mom, those people help me get through every single day.


134. That is a wonderful feeling to know that people accept the real you.





135. Some of my fans have said that because I've been able to speak about my issues, that they're not afraid to speak about theirs, which is an amazing feeling.

136. One of the reasons I was so unhappy for years was because I never embraced my emotions and I was trying to stay in control.


137. I really don't know of any other artist that loves their fans more than I love you guys.




138. I want to get to the point where one day I don't have to have anything but a rug and a microphone stand on stage and still be able to sell out places like Madison Square Garden, like Bruce Springsteen does.


139. Your mind is a very powerful thing. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy…But it's your choice to make.

140. Let's be real. I'm the one that has moves like Jagger!

141. Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses, not lifestyle choices.


142. Now on Friday nights, if I want to go hang out with friends, I go hang out with friends. If I want to stay in and be in the hot tub and have people over to watch movies, I do that.

143. I kept thinking of every single one of your faces. Every single one of your letters, every single one of your posters. It just kept me going.


144. I'm very uncoordinated. I'm surprised I don't fall onstage more.

145. A lot of you guys say that I inspire you but it's really you guys that inspire me, so thank you so much.

146. Sometimes being afraid can show more strength than being fearless...


147. I love having a boyfriend but need to be secure on my own first.


148. I feel like I get a lot of hugs from my fans just 'cause they love hugging.

149. If you're spending your entire early 20s chasing the next party, what are you running away from?


150. When I was 13 I took the car out, I stole the car. I drove it to take my friends at like 4:30am. I got in so much trouble...



151. Skyscraper means the world to me because it represents the journey that I've been on for the past few months in my life.


152. My stepdad provided me with an amazing childhood. I played outside like a normal kid, I rode my bike, I walked to school, but the happiest times were when I was acting.

153. Women dress for other women.


154. I get mad. I get sad. I have all those emotions. But I just like to keep them to myself. I don't think my fans need to be bothered with if I'm mad or sad about something. I should just be concerned that they are keeping up with my music or I'm making them happy with my show.

155. When I retweet my fans I go back to their profiles and watch them freak out. It's so cute.

156. The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

157. If the weapon is your love, I got my hands up. If you’re gonna take me down, I surrender.


158. Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that has struggled through tears.

159. Why be afraid to make an honest mistake? If you acknowledge the pain and you wanna change, you can get through anything.


160. I surround myself with people who make positive decisions…My friends and I look out for each other.

161. I'm maturing, not changing. I promise.

162. And if you think you're alone. Put on my music. Because I'm going to be there for you.


163. Graceful is my middle name.





164. To me, I don't think it does anybody any good to just hide something or cover it up or lie or whatever. I think…that's what being a role model is all about. It's not about being perfect. It's about speaking about your issues and inspiring others to get help.


165. Sometimes you begin to have a fear of even having friends, when you can't trust anyone in the end.

166. Enjoy your life…let loose, party hard and just have a good time.


167. It's the little things that count.

168. I don't let anyone's insecurities, emotions, or opinions bother me. I know that if I am happy, that's all that matters to me.


169. Rumors and lies are called RUMORS and LIES for a reason.



170. No one deserves anything less than being loved.



171. I know a lot of people that wish that I was shy...but I'm not. I can be really loud and really annoying.

172. The best advice I can give to anyone going through a rough patch is to never be afraid to ask for help.


173. Honestly, sometimes I honestly feel that you're not fans, but friends. You're supporting me, you care for me, and you've got my back.




174. I just don't get why people lie to you when it's so obvious that they aren't telling the truth.


175. If they made jeans for your face…my chin would look fine.


176. Never call a girl fat, even if you're joking.

177. There's no point to living life unless you make history and the best way to make history is to help others.


178. My Lovatics, thank you so much, I'm so honored. You guys are such an incredible force and an amazing army.



179. I wish there wasn't so much pressure on society to be thin...It makes recovery so much harder.


180. It helps to even look in the mirror - and it sounds so cheesy - but if you just look in the mirror and say: "You are beautiful," and "You are worthy," those things really help you.


181. The beautiful thing about music, is that no matter who is singing the song you are relating to, they become your confidant, your friend.


182. Sometimes you don't know who you can and cannot trust. I still learn that over and over again.




183. It's harder to stay strong than it is to give up. Giving up doesn't get you anywhere... Only makes you weak.


184. I wish I could tell every young girl with an eating disorder, or who has harmed herself in any way, that she's worthy of life and that her life has meaning. You can overcome and get through anything.



185. Your only enemies should be people who have chosen to be them.

186. Go ahead and believe that no one shines brighter than you. Become amazing, and be happy.


187. If I've saved a life somewhere in this world I'm done…I'm good.




188. It's a complete life change when you really want to better yourself and completely change the patterns that you have had in the past. Do I think I still need work? I think everyone needs work. I just keep working on myself.

189. It's not okay to bully anyone - ever. I hope to encourage everyone to take a stand and put a stop to this horrible epidemic.


What do you think of Demi Lovato's quotes?


Feel free to comment and share this blog post if you find it interesting!

Kevin Federline To Wed Victoria Prince

Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince are set to tie the knot very soon.

A
ccording to Clark County records, Britney Spears' ex and his girlfriend got a marriage license on Friday night in Las Vegas.

Federline and Prince have been dating since 2008 and welcomed a daughter named Jordan in August 2011.

Federline and Spears were married between 2004 and 2006 and have two sons together.

Congratulations to Federline and Prince on their imminent nuptials!



Feel free to comment and share this blog post if you find it interesting!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Chelsea Handler Quotes

1. I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

2. My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.


3. I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like: "I can't go to school today." I was too scared.

4. Vomit and feces are two reasons I have decided not to procreate.


5. I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

6. The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off…A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.


7. I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

8. You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

9. I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.


10. A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel".

11. It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.


12. I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, it's not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

13. It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.


14. Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.

15. We women have to stick together.

16. Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.


17. The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.





18. I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldn't put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

19. People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.


20. There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.


21. It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are "taking a break." Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

22. People are always like: "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like: "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually".


23. Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

24. I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

25. I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.


26. I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second…or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.


27. I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.


28. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

29. This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

30. Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.


31. I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

32. I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

33. I have more respect for somebody who's like: "Yeah I like to party, so screw off," then for Tara, who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.


34. He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

35. Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

36. I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.


37. Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.




38. I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.


39. I had to sit down and explain to (her friend) that AA was for quitters.


40. Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

41. I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

42. Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.


43. Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

44. You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.



45. I don't like the word "alcoholic". I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

46. Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.


47. There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

48. We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.


49. It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.



50. Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

51. My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage: "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.


52. And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

53. I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.


54. Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a "party favor" - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

55. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places...You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.


56. I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he's probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He's probably like: "When the f... are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?"

57. It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.


58. I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

59. It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the actual wedding that pisses me off. The problem is that everyone who gets married seems to think that they are the first person in the entire universe to do it, and that the year leading up to the event revolves entirely around them. You have to throw them showers, bachelorette weekends, buy a bridesmaid dress, and then buy a ticket to some godforsaken town wherever they decide to drag you. If you're really unlucky, they'll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That's just what I want to do- monitor my drinking until I'm done with my public service announcement. And what do we get out of it, you ask? A dry piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with their hiibilly cousin. I could get that at home, thanks. Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! I always want to remind the person that absolutely no thought went into typing in a name and having a salad bowl come up.

60. It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.





61. "This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you f...wildebeest".

62. I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.


63. Listen, Dim Sum, you little f... f..., I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a f... towel rub.

64. My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.


65. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

66. Some of the best sex I can barely remember.

67. My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.


68. Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.



69. She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.


70. The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

71. Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

72. Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.


73. At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

74. What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.



75. While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.


76. I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

77. Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look "more together".


78. My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

79. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

80. My father has a high opinion of his opinion.


81. The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls."

82. Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

83. Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

84. I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

85. ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.


86. We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.


What do you think of Chelsea Handler's quotes?


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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Sam Claflin Married Laura Haddock

Sam Claflin is married!

Claflin, who starred in "Snow White" and the "Huntsman" and will appear in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire", tied the knot with actress Laura Haddock.

The pair had been engaged for more than a year after first meeting during an audition.

Congratulations to the happy couple!



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