Monday, February 18, 2013

David Letterman Jokes

1. Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.






2. Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.

3. Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.


4. How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney.




5. The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.

6. Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.


7. Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?




8. I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three...Oh crap, what was three?

9. Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself: "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"


10. Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.



11. The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.


12. Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.

13. Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

14. Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

15. They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero.


16. Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.

17. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on "Baywatch."


18. Osama bin Laden...lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.


19. Mitt Romney was a guest on "The Tonight Show" on NBC. It's interesting - you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.


20. Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.




21. Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.


22. You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for "Mittens."




23. Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.


24. I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said: "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest."



25. They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied: "Well, I can do that."


26. Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.





27. Newt Gingrich has criticized "New York elites" who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.


28. Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.





29. Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.


30. Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.

31. I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.

32. Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said: "Well that's nothing. I like to execute people."


33. Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting? Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch. He looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.

34. Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's to start hitting on her.


35. Doctors say Dick Cheney need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy.

36. Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

37. Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.


38. George W. Bush is writing a book...It's all part of his war on literacy.


39. Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

40. Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.


41. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

42. The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

43. It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.


44. President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy "Don't Know, Don't Care." That's a whole different deal.

45. John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.


46. Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.




47. I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic…Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.


48. President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.


49. The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

50. Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought: "Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign."


51. Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is "hair and unbalanced."


52. They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.


53. You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.


54. Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said "refudiate." It's not a word - you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin.

55. Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.


56. Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities.


57. On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?


58. Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.

59. Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michelle Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes SHE should tell us what to do.


60. Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected.

61. Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.


62. Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear…He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes…He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping…He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership…He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.


63. How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough… John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house… He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings…He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.


64. I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi… She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes…She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench… She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.

65. Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.


66. I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.




67. Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill.

68. The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work.


69. The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.

70. In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama.

71. The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney.


72. A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana - but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday.

73. We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit.

74. If I seem a little woozy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.


75. Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

76. This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.

77. Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.


78. The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.

79. Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. "Lincoln" received 12 Oscar nominations. "Lincoln" also received a nomination for best hat.


80. We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.


81. You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.


82. What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.

83. Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?

84. Has anyone seen Al Gore's Current TV? I don't mean by mistake. I mean, who's actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called "global fleecing."

85. Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.


86. Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They've got a new show called "Storage Jihad." They have "Project Burka." And a show called "Real Virgins of Fallujah."

87. According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place.


88. Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There's always a silver line. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon.




89. I went to see "Lincoln," and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.


90. The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.





91. It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.

92. Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money - say your son's having a bar mitzvah - Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties.


93. And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.




94. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens.

95. For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.


96. This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?




97. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.


98. Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.

99. The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing.

100. On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?

101. The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work.


102. Barbara Walters' "Ten Most Fascinating People" show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.

103. The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.

104. According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?


105. December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual.

106. Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?

107. Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing.

108. Because of climate change "Frosty the Snowman" has a new name. Now he's called "Frosty the Puddle."


109. They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered.





110. Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels.


111. Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup.






112. Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says: "I understand there's some trouble?"


113. It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it.





114. With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.

115. I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them.


116. Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede.

117. After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said: "We can't take it anymore," so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.

118. Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.


119. President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story.




120. The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.


121. Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.

122. According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.

123. How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me?…You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.


124. You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names.





125. A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife.


126. Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.

127. James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?

128. Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.


129. I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.


130. I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills Bin Laden.

131. Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney.


132. Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don't know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won't know what happened until they find the black box.

133. I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney - and he seems like an upbeat guy - is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over.


134. His wife Ann said: "Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money".





135. Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me.


136. Here in New York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the Republicans need another old white guy.




137. I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.


138. Everybody is talking about the fiscal cliff. And I'd be talking about the fiscal cliff too if I knew what the hell it was.





139. Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying: "What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know".


140. Well, finally the long race is over and as usual a guy from Kenya won.

141. Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that's great, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight's debate.

142. It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.


143. Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.


144. A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.

145. They had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving.


146. Mitt waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said: "I plan to spend some time with my tax returns."

147. Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free.


148. New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?



149. You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we'll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That's good news.


150. Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He's urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.

151. Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney's tax returns.


152. The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.


153. It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.


154. Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday's marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.

155. Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

156. It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?


157. I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.







158. Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

159. Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, "I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day." Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?


160. People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

161. There is no off position on the genius switch.


162. If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.



163. There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

164. I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.


165. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

166. Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.


167. Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

168. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 


169. A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

170. As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.



171. Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.


172. For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.



173. Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

174. Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.


175. I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.


176. Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

177. It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.


178. I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.




179. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.


180. New York…when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.





181. No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.


182. President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.




183. President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?


184. The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

185. President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.


186. The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

187. The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.


188. The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.


189. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.


190. USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.




191. We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.


192. We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

193. Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.


194. We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.


195. Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.




What do you think of David Letterman's jokes?




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