Friday, August 2, 2013

Chelsea Handler Quotes

1. I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

2. My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.


3. I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like: "I can't go to school today." I was too scared.

4. Vomit and feces are two reasons I have decided not to procreate.


5. I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

6. The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off…A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.


7. I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

8. You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

9. I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.


10. A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel".

11. It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.


12. I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, it's not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

13. It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.


14. Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.

15. We women have to stick together.

16. Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.


17. The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.





18. I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldn't put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

19. People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.


20. There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.


21. It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are "taking a break." Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

22. People are always like: "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like: "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually".


23. Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

24. I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

25. I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.


26. I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second…or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.


27. I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.


28. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

29. This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

30. Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.


31. I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

32. I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

33. I have more respect for somebody who's like: "Yeah I like to party, so screw off," then for Tara, who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.


34. He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

35. Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

36. I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.


37. Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.




38. I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.


39. I had to sit down and explain to (her friend) that AA was for quitters.


40. Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

41. I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

42. Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.


43. Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

44. You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.



45. I don't like the word "alcoholic". I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

46. Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.


47. There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

48. We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.


49. It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.



50. Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

51. My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage: "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.


52. And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

53. I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.


54. Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a "party favor" - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

55. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places...You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.


56. I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he's probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He's probably like: "When the f... are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?"

57. It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.


58. I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

59. It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the actual wedding that pisses me off. The problem is that everyone who gets married seems to think that they are the first person in the entire universe to do it, and that the year leading up to the event revolves entirely around them. You have to throw them showers, bachelorette weekends, buy a bridesmaid dress, and then buy a ticket to some godforsaken town wherever they decide to drag you. If you're really unlucky, they'll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That's just what I want to do- monitor my drinking until I'm done with my public service announcement. And what do we get out of it, you ask? A dry piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with their hiibilly cousin. I could get that at home, thanks. Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! I always want to remind the person that absolutely no thought went into typing in a name and having a salad bowl come up.

60. It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.





61. "This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you f...wildebeest".

62. I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.


63. Listen, Dim Sum, you little f... f..., I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a f... towel rub.

64. My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.


65. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

66. Some of the best sex I can barely remember.

67. My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.


68. Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.



69. She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.


70. The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

71. Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

72. Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.


73. At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

74. What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.



75. While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.


76. I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

77. Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look "more together".


78. My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

79. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

80. My father has a high opinion of his opinion.


81. The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls."

82. Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

83. Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

84. I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

85. ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.


86. We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.


What do you think of Chelsea Handler's quotes?


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